Not So Constructive Criticism

So Thursday was a day of new experiences...

So to catch you up, I've been teaching 11th grade summer school English to 25 12th graders for the past two weeks and it's been quite an adventure to say the least! I've really enjoyed my job, and I've been learning a lot about teaching, and a lot about the English Language that I had forgotten haha.

Well Thursday was quite a day. It started off great, I got a shout out in our school daily newsletter for

one of the TFA core values.

"Core Values Spotlight – Respect and Humility

We value the strengths, experiences, and perspectives of others, and we recognize our own
limitations. We are committed to partnering effectively with families, schools, and
communities to ensure that our work advances the broader good for all children.

Shannon Petera truly is the embodiment of the core value of respect and
humility. Ms. Petera consistently arrives each morning with new
ideas about how to boost her effectiveness in the classroom as well as
new theories on why and where she needs to develop herself more. She
has been incredibly receptive to feedback and I have noticed how
thoughtfully self-reflective and critical of herself she is, all with the end-
goal of increasing student achievement in her classroom. She takes
critical feedback in stride and is so unbelievably appreciative to those

who reach out to help her in her never-ending endeavor to become the
best for her students."

Little did I know that that day would be the true test of respect and humility.

As I entered my classroom that morning my students were learning and engaging with the material all up until the last 5 minutes of class. It was those last 5 minutes that all hell broke loose. All of a sudden something starts ringing and I see one of my students dart out of my room and into the hallway. As I follow him to see what is happening, I step out side, but still keep the door cracked so I can watch my 24 students in the room independently taking their daily quiz. I soon realize that my one student who ran out is talking to the tracker on his ankle. I quickly make the connection that this device has probably been mandated for him to wear in exchange for not being in jail. As he reports to the tracker where he currently is my heart starts to break for this student. As he walks back to his seat I don't know what to say so we just both don't say anything at all. Since the class only has about one minute left I tell the students to pass up their quiz but of course none of them are finished because they too got distracted are were attempting to ease drop on the conversation that my student was having outside. So of course the initial reaction from any high school-er is to complain and get mad like the world is coming to an end. But as I approach one of the complaints (that is coming from my student who had to run outside) to let him know he has more time if he needs it - the unexpectable happens.

All I say is his name, and then in return I get "fuck you, you n***, get out of my face, fuck you and fuck this class" as he chucks his papers at me and runs out the door. Meanwhile my class bursts into awkward laughter and I am left standing in shock.

I tell my class that "if they want respect from me they need to give it in return" and then ask them to pass up their quizzes one more time. Then I tell my partner who has entered the room that its now his class and then I step out of the room.

My student is still in the hall talking with my SMT (school mentor teacher) who is giving him the second degree for his actions as I walk up. When the time is appropriate I let him know what I was going to say had he given me the chance, and then follow up with "that is a very inappropriate way to speak to anyone no matter who they are". As I walk back into my classroom to gather up some materials I had left behind, I notice that there is another teacher I hadn't seen before who was observing my class. She calls me over, and asks if she can speak with me for a moment.

As I sit down next to her, in the back corner of my classroom (where take in mind - my students can hear our conversation if they wanted to) she begins to let me know exactly how she feels. She begins the conversation by letting me know that "I am going to drown, and I'm not going to make it". She then continues on to say "that she is an expert in observing teachers and making them better, and so since this is her job, she's going to be upfront with me". This word of advice was then followed by "I was furious by the way you taught, you are too demanding of these kids, she sees right through me, I am by far one of the worst teachers she's seen, she can't believe what she saw, and I haven't been properly trained to teach "our" kids". (And when she was saying our, she wasn't meaning mine and hers, she was meaning the low income minority community). As I ask her if we can take this conversation outside, we run into my student with the tracker (who my SMT has asked to sit outside and think about what he did before coming back to class).

As soon as we get outside, the woman who was observing me turns to this student and says "look at this man, look how sweet and innocent he is, I can't believe you spoke to him like that, how dare you. How dare you not know that he had this on his leg how dare you follow him outside of the room, what were you thinking! You just don't understand. You don't understand what it's like to be like him, you don't understand our kids. That's the problem with this program and you think you can just walk in here and understand and teach our kids but you can't. You can't just teach our kids you have to love them and you don't have what it takes because you just don't understand what it's like to be like them" it was then that she hugged the young man and said how are you sweetie, and then turned back to me, "see you can't relate to them like I can, you just don't understand, you just can't walk in here and think you can teach our kids. you just can't"

At this point in time, my SMT steps out and takes the young man back inside, and I turn to this woman in an attempt to defend myself. But as the tears had begun to fall my words are hard to come by. I tell her that I appreciate all of her insight and advice, but I tell her I believe I've been misunderstood. I let her know that I do care about these kids and that I do want to build relationships with them and I have been trying but that there are 25 kids and I've only been teaching for a little over a week. I tell her that I don't think she believes me that I really care.

At this point my SMT tells me that I handled the situation very well and that I've been doing great, and then the observation woman turns to me and says her final words "well I guess because your crying that probably means you care". At this point my advisor shows up and says thank you for your advice and walks with me away from my classroom and I begin to crumble.

As I reflect on what happened 3 days ago I am still in shock at how fast a situation can go from one extreme to the other in a matter of seconds. I also am completely and utterly humbled. Never in my life had I been cut down so badly by a woman who had only seen me for a total of 15minutes. She walked into my classroom and in a matter of minutes (literally) she had formed an opinion of me that will probably stick with me for a lifetime. Her words cut deep, but most importantly they reminded me that this job will be an uphill battle of not only fighting the achievement gap, but navigating racial and socioeconomic differences with respect and humility.

I know that there are probably a lot of things I could have done or said differently this past Thursday when faced with a challenge, but I do believe that I wasn't a complete and utter failure. Being able to listen and take in the observers concerns really taught me two very important life lessons. The first is that this job will be hard and many people may look at you and believe you'll never make it - and you have to be prepared that people are going to feel that way. The second is that it is important to always believe in yourself; humbly take criticism but never allow it to keep you from being the teacher that your students need you to be.